There was a little girl who had a little curl,
right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very good,
and when she was bad she was horrid.
I think this is me, sometimes. At least I feel like it is. As I get older, I am decidedly more in control of my actions, and my emotions- so that’s not really what I’m talking about. It’s more the fact that I feel like there are two sides of me.
I had an interview yesterday, and the second woman who interviewed me asked me the question that I always make fun of, but have never nailed down a solid answer for. “If you could describe yourself, in just one word, what would it be?” I inwardly laughed, but in that moment, I had a flash of clarity and knew the answer. “Creative,” I said, not even thinking twice. Perhaps that’s the best way to answer those sort of questions- relying completely on instinct. She actually seemed surprised by my answer- sitting up a little straighter and looking at me quizzically before flashing me a grin. “What a fantastic answer,” she said, and I was relieved- both that I’d said the right thing, and that it was true.
I struggle with my creative abilities- or in some cases, my lack thereof. Some days I feel like a female reincarnation of Michaelangelo- but other days I feel like my four year old with stick figures and finger paints. The biggest struggle, though- most days I know that I would love it if my life were at the place where I could just create, all day long. Write, paint, make jewelry, cook, whatever. It inspires and exhilarates me. It’s just so.much.fun.
Then I’m the other side of me. “That’s what hobbies are for- and if that’s not good enough for you, that’s what retirement is for,” I tell myself, determined to have a sensible career and actually contribute something significant to the world in my lifetime. I am absolutely convinced that there’s nothing I can’t do if I set my mind to it.
There’s also part of me that sort of…well, to be honest, I think that far too many people are like, look at me! I’m creative! Make me famous for it! (And don’t even get me started on the people who are/want to be famous for being famous) When, shouldn’t we be creative anyway? Shouldn’t that just be part of who we are, and that should be the norm? I want to be the kind of woman that just IS all of these things- and it *only* adds up to being an accomplished, intelligent woman. But I don’t want tons of recognition for it, because greater than my desire for any sort of accolade, is my desire to help humanity (if only a few members of the human race) live on a higher plane of existence. I should be able to cook an amazing dinner and also change the spark plugs on my car. I should be able to make a necklace to match my outfit, and also write a position paper on education in the United States. I should be a powerful force in the workplace, and also an excellent mother who leads by example and teaches her child kindness and encourages curiosity. These things shouldn’t be considered amazing, they should just be part of who I am.
It’s my curl, in the middle of my forehead. Some days I want to throw all my career plans out the window and just be an “artist.” Then I am reminded that I have a child to support, a roof to keep over my head, and a lifestyle that, while modest, is quite enjoyable and must be maintained.
So for now, I wait. I enjoy my alone time when I can create. I blog voraciously, and am thankful that I have the little bits of artistic outlets here and there that I have now. Some people don’t even get this. I am blessed.
