I am the voice of doing what is best for yourself and not listening to the  ”shoulds”. I am also the poster child for getting down on myself because my life is not where it “should” be. I then have to laugh gently at myself, and remind myself to be patient, and have compassion.

It’s not so much where we are in our journeys, I think. It’s more about the fact that we’re on them. I came face to face with myself again last night, feeling a bit overwhelmed because it really is a lot harder to start over now than it would have been to get it “right” in the first place. Then again, I had no idea what right was for me back then, I just did the best I could with what I knew. Which wasn’t much. Well, it wasn’t anything, really.

I’m a gentler version of myself than I was back then. I’m more quietly resolute these days, more firm about creating a peaceful life and surroundings, blocking out the noise and flashy things that would try to grab for my attention faster than a toddler around…well you know toddlers. They grab for EVERYTHING. I used to, too…there were so many possibilities for my life that I wanted to explore as much as I could. I was going to change the world, dammit. They said so.

I might be changing the world- my world. My days are more purposeful, more resolute, more in line with what I know I want, less distracted by the other possibilities. It’s probably the hardest thing for my ego to give up- the possibilities. I CAN DO ANYTHING! it shouts at me, poking and prodding and pushing me in a zillion different directions.

No, I say back. Sit there. Quietly.

BUT-

No. Just no.

The struggle is won, but will live on to be fought another day. I am gentle with myself today, yesterday was a hard-fought battle. I feel a little bruised today, but grateful that I was able to conquer it. To sit with it. To make myself sit there quietly, until ONLY myself was there, no more ego, no more thoughts, no more distractions.

I am that. For today, anyway.

It’s the small blessings, isn’t it? I am grateful, so very grateful for the small blessings in my life. All of them.

I was motivated at my uncle’s funeral reception (is that what they call everyone eating after the funeral? A reception? I just realized that I don’t think I know.) to rejoin Facebook. I hate Facebook as an entity- if there was ever an ego feeding virus, that would be it. However, I also love my family, and love them more than I hate FB, and many of them asked if I would please get on FB. So after some thought, and the reminder that life is short and I do actually like the people I am related to, I signed back up.

I’ve started getting friend requests from people who aren’t family but knew me as a child, a reminder of a time I would, for the most part, like to completely forget ever existed. The harrowing reminders of my formative years was a huge reason I left in the first place- and I’ve unashamedly hit ignore on a few “friend” requests, because they were never friends, only people that were aware of my existence. I’ve been examining my motives lately, mostly in my attempts to become more self-aware in my quest to become fully awake. I think carefully before hitting “Accept” or “Ignore” on a request, because I really do intend to do it differently this time around. I’m also trying to stay in touch without posting so many personal things- focusing on the world around me instead of my inner thoughts. The world doesn’t need to know that I had a cheese sandwich for lunch and felt guilty about it later- although I did post about last night’s wonderful dinner, a lovely NZ rack of lamb, with some orzo pasta and home made dinner rolls, and apple cobbler (from scratch) for dessert. It was a lot of work, and smelled sooooo good (it tasted just as good too) and I was proud of it. My point actually is that I’m not there yet. But I’m getting there.

Anyway, I’m slowly finding the people I’ve been friends with there again, and carefully considering before clicking on any buttons. There are some friendships that are so deep and ones that I miss terribly, that not much thought goes into the click before it happens- my mind and heart are completely unified in those ones, and I am almost crying with relief to find them again.

I was thinking about relationships today, as I worked on my mother-son bond by taking Dylan to the North Carolina Zoo (we had a lovely time!). It’s a little over an hour away, and there is a lot of reflective time, as Dylan plays with his toys quietly in the back seat, (he really is such a joy) and only occasionally asks a question or wants to tell me a story. I want to be careful- and honest- with my motives. I want to really examine my motivations for my actions, and make sure that I really am doing the right thing for my life.

I have dramatically slowed the pace of my life, and it has been better for it. Yes, there are things (and people) that I miss- but like one of my cousins recently said- you can have it all, you just can’t have it all at once. And she’s most likely right.

Sometimes I have days when I wake up, I lay there for a few minutes and think about thinks, in a half- dream state, while my mind is still putting away its dreams and getting ready to welcome the day.

This morning was one of those mornings. I’ve been watching some documentaries on Netflix that I haven’t seen for a while (all Buddhism themed), and these are the kind that naturally lead to a lot of contemplation. Contemplation is much easier, I’ve noticed, when I’m alone in the house. It’s so much easier to feel enlightened and be mindful when there aren’t any distractions.

This, of course, has nothing to do with reality.

It’s a little more challenging to stay mindful when my son is asking me for the 100th time to help him with Mario Kart on our Wii. It’s a little more challenging when I am facing the everyday realities of life, the bills that have to be paid, the papers that have to be written, the life path choices that are waiting patiently for me to pick one. They are all there, quietly, or not so quietly demanding my attention.

I do not know if the Buddha could have found enlightenment without leaving his wife and newborn son behind. My mind wants to judge these actions, because WHO DOES THAT?  I do not mean to express distaste for the Buddha- I have a deep respect for his work and what he brought to the world. I just don’t know if I could- no, in fact I know I would never- walk away from my son and my family for the sake of enlightenment.

There was a bit of a struggle in my mind and heart over this realization- for a little while, anyway. I experience a great deal of noise inside, at times- and lately it feels as though something significant is trying to present itself, but I can’t quite put the ends together. One thing I did realize- I don’t want to work towards any sort of enlightenment that means putting aside my life and only focusing on the idea of becoming enlightened (whatever that might really mean). I wish to seek a higher plane of existence WHILE experiencing my every day, ordinary life. I think that it comes while engaged in the mundane- cleaning the kitchen, or doing the laundry, or studying my textbooks or teaching my son to read.

I think it’s also easier to work toward enlightenment if there is some greater purpose in mind. It would be easier for me, I think, if I was trying to be someone like The Dali Lama. It is harder for me to accept reality if I am just Melanie, just a mother and a partner, accepting my extremely ordinary place in this world. I think that there is something behind this idea, though- that there is an everyday enlightenment to be had, whether you are a laborer, or a student, or a mother- no matter what your path, even in the ordinary of life there is still a higher path that is available to be walked upon. It is ordinary, it is the middle of the road, and it is reality.

I am presented with opportunities for loving-kindness and compassion in the every day life I lead. I am presented with opportunity to be thankful for my life while cleaning my kitchen or paying my bills. I am presented with the opportunity to conquer desire when I open the fridge to reach for whatever strikes my fancy. I am blessed enough to have all these opportunities on a daily basis, and I work to be mindful of them.

There is a long way for me to go in this journey- well I suppose it will last as long as this life does. I apologize if these thoughts feel a little disjointed- they are still working themselves out in my heart and mind. Clarity will come with time, it always does.

I gave in, and have been reading the book (now a movie) named Eat, Pray, Love.

I’m 2/3′s of the way through it- and I’m sitting here, thinking, if this is what it takes to be famous, I SHOULD BE FAMOUS ALREADY.

Then I laugh. I laugh because my ego gets out there and fronts, as though I were something special. As though I SHOULD be famous….because, DON’T THEY KNOW WHAT I’VE BEEN THROUGH?! All these things in the book- I’ve done them. They’ve ALREADY been a part of my life…among other things. Many, many other things.

I laugh again, because, WHY is someone made famous for experiencing life? I stop and think, “wait, what?”

Finally, I laugh, because my ego needs it. Because it needs to be destroyed, again. Because THIS is my path to peace and happiness- the utter destruction of my Ego.

My ego is big. You might not think it, because I try to hide it. But I don’t really. I keep this blog, which is proof positive that I THINK I AM IMPORTANT. See, I have things to say. So I need a public place to put them. A PLACE that people can come and read. I say that it’s because I want to challenge the way people think. I say it’s because I want to inspire them. And while those two *might* possibly be true, it’s mostly because deep down inside, my Ego thinks it is smarter than YOU- and IT WANTS YOU TO KNOW IT.

So I write clever things. I don’t bemoan my life; my life is nothing to be bemoaned. My life is to be envied and awe-inspiring. My Ego thinks I should do so many things that when you come here, you are dizzy’d. You are inspired. You think, “wow, I want to be like HER.”

Because, after all, that is the complete and utter goal of my Ego.  You know, in Lord of the Rings, when the queen of the Elves is offered The One Ring? She says this

“In the place of a Dark Lord you would have a Queen! Not dark but beautiful and terrible as the Morn! Treacherous as the Seas! Stronger than the foundations of the Earth! All shall love me and despair!”

That’s kind of what my Ego wants to be. Absolutely and completely terrifying, in the most awe-inspiring way.

Then I’m brought back down to Earth. Never mind by what- it’s never the same and it always never matters. It happens though, in a thousand different ways.  The other woman who is a better mother because she gets to stay home with her child(ren) and I don’t have that luxury. The other woman who is better at photography because she can afford the equipment I can’t. The other woman who is in a respectable degree program instead of a “for profit” school, eeking out a degree because that is the best I can do right now. The other woman who is famous for…nothing, even though I spend hours trying to discern what her actual “talent” is. Even, I would say, the other woman who is a better blogger and in a month has more readers than I have gathered over the four years I’ve been blogging.

They all, one at a time, and completely unknowingly, annihilate my Ego.

It’s completely fantastic, because it’s what I know in my heart that I want, even if my Ego is bruised and battered, and protesting FIERCELY.

Hi. My name is Melanie. My Ego is trying to destroy my life, but every day I work to destroy it a little bit more at a time. It’s excruciatingly painful, but I know in the end, it will be the best journey I’ve ever gone on. Won’t you join me?

I have been having very vivid dreams lately, perhaps because I am embracing the continuous flow of change that has enveloped my life lately.

I will be switching back to a blogger blog soon- I don’t like my current hosting service, and it does seem a little silly for me to be paying for a place to write thoughts when there are perfectly fine free services to do so. I’m also going to be honing the focus of my blog- it’s bugged me for years that my writing, while at times amusing and occasionally inspiring, doesn’t have a clear focus. I’m not a mommy blog (although I do blog about parenting, but then again if you are a parent, it’s bound to come out from time to time!), not completely a bento blog (but what a delightful hobby it is!), not completely a photography blog (even though I’m completely obsessed about it)….not anything in particular.

My dreams seem to be bringing my subconscious desires into sharp focus, and I must listen. I feel compelled to listen. I feel compelled to let the noise fade away, and zero in on the voice that keeps ringing out, more clearly than the others, with a quiet urgency that I can no longer allow myself to ignore.

Stay tuned.

These are unedited photos of the waves last night- I didn’t bring any computer with editing capabilities with me, but did want to share some of the beauty I am blessed to experience.

Even though I am at the beach this week, enjoying this beautiful home and stunning landscape, I am, of course, still me, and therefore still thinking way too much.

I am blessed to be in a relationship that is truly with someone who I consider- and considers me- an equal. He doesn’t treat me as though it is my “duty” or responsibility to take care of the menial and mundane tasks normally ascribed to my gender- but he also doesn’t allow for any of the excuses that might be allowed what has typically been described as coming from the “weaker” sex.

I am glad for it- for once a man in my life is not intimidated by me, my strength or my ideas. I am frustrated by it- because there is no room for laziness of any sort (of course, once I really think about it, I realize he is right, and am grateful that he’s not afraid to call me on it). I am challenged by it- because it allows me to reach for my full potential, instead of slipping into a life that would be far too easy to slip into.

We’ve discussed our future- to include children. Too often I see men expecting women to not only have a career- but then come home and completely run a home and raise the children as well. To this I say, bullshit. If these men had to work from the moment they woke up until the moment they went to bed, they’d go completely mental- yet there are too many that expect it without question from their wives. I often see it bemoaned, but rarely see something actually done about it- not a criticism but an observation. If I’m not going to be in an equal relationship, then what’s the point? When you are single, you get to be the most important person in your life. When you are in a relationship, it is my opinion that you should still remain the most important person in someone’s life.

Thankfully, I’ve found a man who understands that if we are going to have children, then we will be equally working (careers and at home) and equally raising our children as well. It will be done equally, or will not be done at all.

There is no double standard, there is no denigration of a gender based on stereotypes or typical social expectations. He expects the best of me; and I of him. In this we encourage each other to do the best that we can, while celebrating the love that we share that allows for the acceptance of the traits we do not yet posses.

It makes me smile a little- especially when I am being childish and bemoaning a specific incident that didn’t allow me to get away with anything.

There’s a little voice in my head that, in a slightly comical voice,  whispers, “be careful what you wish for, Melanie. It seems you’ve gotten it.”

Do you ever wish someone would see you for who you are, instead of who you are not?

Today I am reminded to see people for who they are. To love them for who they are, and to toss out my expectations.

Sometimes it takes a lack of grace to be reminded to extend that same grace to others.

So I encourage you all to take a few moments today, and love the people in your life for exactly who they are, and just forget who they are not. They’re never going to be that person, and the more you push it, the more you’re hurting them and driving a wedge between you, no matter how slight.

Sometimes when I am feeling wistful, I will read the “missed connections” entries on craigslist. I generally choose my local CL, but sometimes I will read them from other places as well.

They are so…hopeful.

I could use hopeful, right now- I watched “Capitalism: A Love Story” the other night, and in true Michael Moore fashion, he took a good point too far and made himself to look like an idiot. I get so frustrated with his “documentaries” because the point he is making is right, but the way he goes about saying it makes him look just as crazy as Sarah Palin or Glen(n?) Beck. I mean, he might as well be a Tea Partier. Or whatever the opposite of that is.

Anyway, today I was on craigslist, looking for something, and I clicked the links. I think there’s a tiny part of me that wonders if I’ll ever be the subject of one of these, but the likely truth is that I will not, and I am really totally fine with that. There’s just something about it that is kind of haunting, and it’s a little bit romantic.

Of course, the truth is, that those things are posted there because the person didn’t have the balls to just ask someone to go out with them, or directly tell them that they miss them or still love them. At the same time though- maybe in those situations, it’s better to not know the truth. I know that I constantly preach that I’d rather know the reality than anything else, but I don’t know. When it comes to the heart…things are different.

Anyway. When you’re feeling bored sometime, you should take some time and read them. It’s amazing how much yearning is surrounding all of us- I wonder what would happen if we slowed down enough to notice the people around us? I wonder how much our world would change if we would stop being afraid of human interaction, but instead encourage it?

I bet it would change things, a lot. Even if it’s just a smile.

As some of you may have noticed, I have continued on my anti-social networking journey, and my twitter account has been deleted, in the same fashion as my facebook account.

Joseph pointed out that it was distracting me too much, and I’d been feeling it as well.

I struggle with this a lot- there is more significant work to be done, yet I get caught up (as many other do as well, I suppose) in these little things that eat away at my time, shiny things that distract me from the bigger picture and the real work of my life.

I’m thinking about giving up my blog as well, but I don’t know about that yet. Sometimes I think that blogs are the new books, and if I really want to impact my society then I will keep blogging and give up trying to write a book. Maybe I can do both, but who knows?

I do know that if I do decide to keep blogging, it’s going to be more specific in nature and not so “this is how my day went”.  Real change does not come through celebrating the mundane, but in inspiring things to be different.

I want to be more proactive in my life, proactive with my goals and proactive in what I really want to see happen in the world.

Anyway, I leave for a week on Saturday, back to the Outer Banks for a week- that is, after I attend my uncle’s funeral in Virginia on Saturday afternoon. So I guess that for the time being, I’m sort of on a vacation/hiatus- my mind needs time to process these feelings that I’ve been having, and decide what’s next.

I guess this is my version of Summer vacation. Don’t go away though- there will be more to come. I promise.